At 23 years old I was at an emotional and physical bottom. I was severely depressed and living in my parents basement on Long Island. My daily routine was to stay up until 3 am watching movies and television shows on repeat, wrestle with myself to actually climb into bed and was consistently waking up no earlier then noon the following day. I was full of fear. Fear of the world, success, failure, relationships, emotions; basically of moving into real life. Being diagnosed at a young age with an anxiety disorder I used this as an excuse to arm myself again entering the "real" world. I was incredibly insecure and felt I had nothing to offer. While I grew up performing and loving the stage I never particularly loved the lifestyle that went with it. I had a deep seated fear of rejection and in order to mask that and save myself the pain I would self-sabotage all the auditions I went on. I would walk in the door already saying in my head that I had blown it and give a bad performance. I was never surprised when I didn't get called back. It was safe - I knew the outcome because it was rigged. I was so scared of the pain that would come with wanting something so badly and then not receiving it. So I decided to not want things. I decided to stay up all night, watching movies that had successful women in, making resolutions as I watched those movies that tomorrow would be different and I would get motivated, but it never happened. It was a broken merry-go-round that I couldn't get off. I felt like I was drowning, and since I couldn't figure out my life at that moment, I felt I had the credentials to give advice to others about their lives - the "those who can't do, teach" method, essentially the blind and confused attempting to lead the blind and confused. How dare I.
Myself and my college voice teacher, Melissa Hart at my Senior Showcase at The York Theater in NYC, May 2008Since that time four years ago I have done a lot of work on myself within the boundaries of my life. I made a decision to learn about my anxiety, fears and motivators. I became armed with information about how and why I tick the way I do. Then I took the advice a friend gave me to heart "Self-awareness without action is self-abuse." I could continue down the destructive path I was leading or I could take the fork in the road. I took the fork. I discovered new ways of dealing with my anxiety that did not include medication. I took a long look at my "acting" career and realized while I loved the stage there were other ways I could incorporate it into my life at a later date, besides I wasn't making any progress and I wasn't happy. I remember sitting with a friend one night and discussing an alternative career to performing and he said "but you belong onstage." A few days later as I was sitting with my therapist I told her this and she replied "you may belong on stage, my dear, but right now it is toxic for you." She was right. I needed to take a step back. I knew I shouldn't discount the fact that I loved to sing on stage and be in front of an audience but at that moment in time I couldn't engage in that area of my life - later on I could come back to it when I was ready.
I took some time off from life. I moved to Florida - I got a job as a receptionist at a Doctor's office and essentially took two years, from the time I was 24 to 26 to work on myself. My day job wasn't something I was required to worry about or bring home at night. I didn't sing but I missed it. I did a lot of yoga. I nurtured relationships that had been neglected, entirely on my behalf because I was lost in my own selfishness and pity that I didn't care to see that others wanted and needed me. How many times during the day had I been thinking of myself? All of them. I had missed years of my sister's life as she was in elementary school. She wanted an older sister but I was so concerned and enmeshed in my own failures and depression I didn't give her the time she so badly needed. My brother, who is close in age with me, was so angry because of the pain I had caused my family by my need to check out. I had to be patient and see that all anger I held for him because of his anger came from no one else but myself. I learned to take responsibility. I became the daughter my parents said they knew was inside of me but was lost for a time. I am present on a daily basis.
My boyfriend, Sean, and I on Christmas Eve 2013 in Westchester.
Now, after all the work I've done on myself I want to search for what I really want out of life. I've got a lot of things that have manifested just by trusting the universe and doing the next right thing. I have an amazing relationship with my family that I never before could have dreamed. I have a boyfriend who I love with all my heart and in return loves me, respects me and supports me. I have a job teaching preschoolers which I love going to each day. However, there is still a hole I feel inside. Anytime I catch sight of a performance whether big or small my heart aches a little. So here is what I know: I get a high from helping others, especially women, that I've only ever felt performing, I love yoga and am going through my teacher training at the moment, I am working on my masters in Elementary Education and will be done within the next year, I taught myself guitar and am continuing to work on my skills, I am ready to figure out exactly how to harness all this together. I know I am at the precipice of creating the life I love because I am no longer content in taking the safe route. I am on the hunt for those who have been successful in creating a vision from their dreams and turning it into a reality. I am on the search for my vision and will bring those who want to come along to gain advice from those who know.
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